3.12.2014

The Married Ones

In my friend group it seems, the majority of the time, Michael and I are the only married couple. Sure, we have married friends, but for our typical "going out on the town" group we're the only ones with that distinction. Usually it's fine, it doesn't mean we act any different. We aren't into PDA so no one notices. But just like single and unmarried people, there are some issues that come up with being "The Married Ones."


This past weekend I was listening to some of my friends recount their weekend plans. As I sat there, I thought wait, why wasn't I invited to brunch?! You never told me you all went to a movie. Why weren't we included in this?!
I think sometimes, being the married ones means getting left out.
People know that you already are with your person and you probably already have plans.
Sometimes we can't do things because we do, actually, have married like things to take care of: the house, the dogs, the taxes, etc.
Sometimes, on the weekends, we do just want to stay in and eat take out and watch a movie. No, we don't have to go to a bar to meet people (I just want to go out and dance.) We walk the line between being an old married couple and party-goers that like to occasionally attend a music festival. I want both aspects of life but I'm finding it harder and harder to find that balance.

I've always considered myself to be a social person. I love making new friends, going to parties, dancing, eating, drinking, all of it. But lately I feel like I'm the only one. The only married one. So my friends forget that I might want to come too.

Maybe I'm being silly, but I want the invitation even if my answer is no.
What do you think? Have you ever felt left out for being married (or single)? Am I being ridiculous?
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90 comments :

  1. Dude. Welcome to my life, except the opposite: I'm usually the only single one in my group of friends. When we hang out they share husband stories, talk about their future plans and I'm over here like "sooo Warner ate some peanut butter today...."

    I've learned it can be tough to relate to your friends when they aren't in the same stage of life you're in but I try to learn from my married friends and use those lessons for my future marriage (if it ever happens)

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  2. Definitely not ridiculous! I agree on almost (if not all) of your points. Most of my girlfriends are still single and sometimes they feel I'm too busy but I always remind them and keep in touch so we don't miss any of our gal time. Keep reminding them :) Good to know someone else is in the same boat!
    ann
    eatsleepmarket.com

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  3. "I want the invitation even if the answer is no." Yes yes yes! Couldn't agree more. Give me the opportunity to make the decision. Don't just assume I'm holed up staring into my husband's eyes all night. Because...I'm probably just staring at Netflix.

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  4. I definitely agree with you. Although I don't go out a ton, I still like the invitation!

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  5. I agree, I want the invite even if the answer is no!

    xx Kelly
    Sparkles and Shoes

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  6. You're NOT being ridiculous - I know exactly what you mean. When people just assume you can't make it without even asking you, it hurts. I'm now finally getting to the point that most of my friends are married (or are about to be), but I have the same issue because of my daughter. Sometimes they just assume I'm busy because of her. To be fair, it's often true, but that doesn't mean I don't want the invite - maybe I need a mom's night out!

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  7. In my world, if you are my friend and you hear me talking about something, you don't need an invite. You just need to say you want to go and I'll make it happen.

    When I forget to invite someone, it isn't because they're single or married. It's because I just didn't think about them at the time.

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  8. I have been on both sides of the field. It seems whenever I am single none of my friends are and likewise when I am in a relationship they are single causing to many times when being left out has happened.

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  9. mine actually tends to be so many of our friends have kids and we don't and get left out of so many things. We actually didn't get invited to a gender reveal party bc they thought that it would bother me with our infertility struggle. No, thinking that I wouldn't want to be a part of your excitement bothered me way more!

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  10. I feel this, but in a different way. With Andrew's group of friends, he's the only one in a serious committed relationship. But, we've been together for so long that his friends just see me as "one of the guys" (there have been times where they've called to invite me out and forgot to invite him, or they invite me out even though he's out of town). But, my girlfriends are all at that stage where they're getting married. And they're changing because of it (some are becoming extremely shallow saying things like, "My wedding HAS to be bigger than hers!" Others are planning to start a family right away, etc). As such, I've been distancing myself because we're becoming different people.

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  11. I'm not married, but I feel the same way - sometimes it's nice to be invited even if there is no chance you'll be able to go!

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  12. I feel this way multiple times a week. I know for the most part I am pretty busy/lame, but on occasion I am pumped and ready to go out and have fun. Yet the invites never seem to come my way. I love a girls night, or even just something that give you a little space from the hubby (for a few hours) but people I guess just don't feel like asking when the answer is "Eh...probably not" 80% of the time. And by 80% I probably mean like 95%.

    Just snapchat and we can have our own party :)

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  13. Derrick and I aren't married but in college, we basically were the equivalent. my group of friends (basically my cross country team) was pretty much split between those in serious relationships and those who weren't, although my best friends were all single. I felt left out when they did stuff without me but at the same time, if they asked, I probably would have said no to going to the bar most of the time (unless there was dancing... like you said). you're not being ridiculous, I don't think. and if you are, then we both are!

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  14. I totally agree! It never feels good to be left out!

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  15. I tend to feel like the only single one and get jealous of all their date nights or kid events when they aren't available to hang out.

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  16. no you are not being ridiculous. in fact, i think it's rude to exclude someone (even though they don't mean to be mean) just because of their status or if they have kids. i invite everyone if something is happening whether they have kids or not, married or not. if they choose to come, cool; if not, cool.

    -kathy | Vodka and Soda

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  17. Nope you are not being ridiculous! When i was in a relationship all my friends would just assume that me and my guy already had plans so they rarely ever asked me to go out..it did def hurt my feelings but i just started inviting myself lol

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  18. I can definitely see that being an issue. But I think you already hit the nail on the head, they just assume you have plans and don't want to bug you or make you feel bad for having to say no. I would just come out and say.... aww man why wasn't I invited!! They will for sure invite you the next time. (I'm not sure if you wanted advice but I gave it anyway)

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  19. I deal with this with some of my single friends, too. It's tough to be the only married ones. And then it's tough to be the only non-parents too. Growing up is hard. I want to go back to when we were all 20 and doing the same thing.

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  20. When I was married this happened all the time. Then again my friends were all single and going out scouting for guys. Then when I was single they were all back in my life. It sucks to know just that part of you changes their perception of you.

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  21. Many of my friends have babies now so it feels like we're the odd ones out. They can't go out with us like they used to since they need to schedule a sitter etc. Makes me kinda sad that things have changed but I guess it's part of life.

    -Sharon
    The Tiny Heart
    JCrew Giveaway!

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  22. out of our friend group are we are the only married ones or even the only ones with a stable relationship for that matter. Tyler's friends are pretty bad about it. They are all single and I feel like the don't always invite him bc he can't go on tinder dates with them or stuff like that. Makes me sad :(

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  23. I deal with this all the time! I was the first one to get married out of our group (7 years in April -- whoop whoop) and I've always felt this way. It got even worse once we had kids because they automatically assumed we couldn't go or do something. I'm now witnessing being the MOH in my best friend's wedding but not getting asked to help with a lot of things because I'm "too busy" being a mom and a wife and it totally sucks. I told her to at least ask me and give me the chance to say no---- I might surprise her and be able to help! I hate to hear that others witness this. Hope things get better for you!

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  24. hey girl heyyyyyyyyyyyy.
    not to split hairs but even the non-married people i know still have dogs, and houses, and taxes.

    and actually i prefer that people don't invite me to do things. saves me the time of being a reclusive old person to their face.

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    Replies
    1. you're right, we all have responsibilities. I feel like I have more now that I'm married. or maybe it's that michael is more responsible than me, probably that. but I still like to go out and have fun, despite sometimes wanting to stay in.

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  25. I hear ya girl! why do us married girls get left out?!

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  26. I'm not married (but in a committed relationship) and I feel this way a lot. We don't get invited to things because we aren't single or because we don't fit in a certain "group". So annoying- people will never grow up sometimes!

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  27. nothing wrong with still wanting to be and feel included and thought of, even if you can't make everything! it's the art of asking.

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  28. My husband and I are the only married ones out of our main group of friends, but I wouldn't say I've felt left out that much. Even back in the day, I was more of the person who organized and invited people to do stuff...and I've kind of kept my role over time. I've accepted that my friends sure seem to love spending time with us, but they won't go to the trouble of organizing getting together with us...so I just do that... :P

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  29. How often do you say no when you do get the invite? We kept inviting a friend after she got married, every answer was no. So we stopped ever inviting her, because it really gets old after awhile feeling like you don't matter to your supposed friend now that she's married. But, Betsy always says yes, so I always invite her.

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    Replies
    1. Likewise, how much do you talk about marriage/your husband/house problems while out with said friends? I stopped inviting a married friend anywhere because every conversation was about marriage, babies, husband, filing taxes, YAWN. You have to be a friend to have a friend!

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    2. We don't say no that often, both of us like social interaction. I wouldn't say we talk about married things, I probably talk about Tomorrowland too much :). I think The problem is that I need to just reach out instead of waiting to be included.

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  30. The funny thing is the majority of my friends here are also married so we're all on the same wave length and still enjoy going out but also like our downtime to relax. My friends back at home are mostly still single, and there's definitely a disconnect. It doesn't mean we're no longer friends and can't relate to each other at all, but it does mean that sometimes we just want different things.

    Now get out there and DANCE this weekend gurlie!

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  31. I totally get this. I'm not married, but Troy and I have been living together for over 3 years. It's crazy how people just assume you're busy or won't want to come. Being married or in long term relationships doesn't mean you automatically become an old married couple who's in bed by 9 PM. At least, it doesn't for me.

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  32. OMG we are twins, Helene! obvi I'm not married but I've been in serious relationships before and hate feeling leftout, too! I always invite friends, even if I know they can't make it. You aren't crazy, don't let anyone make you feel that way!!

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  33. It sucks being left out and I totally know that feeling of at least wanting the invite. Hopefully they read your blog ;)

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  34. Aww :( I totally get this. I have the opposite problem though. I get left out a lot because I'm single. All my friends that are in a relationships make all these dinner date and brunch plans and leave me out because they don't want me to feel like the third wheel. I always tell them though that I don't mind being single. It's my choice, and it makes me feel worse being left out because of it. It almost seems like they're saying I'm not good enough on my own. Once I told them how I felt though, they've gotten much better about including me :)

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  35. This has definitely been an issue with me. Especially when David & I first moved in together. I couldn't afford to do everything my friends were doing, but I could afford to do something like once a month but I just stopped getting invited to everything. It definitely hurt my feelings a lot.

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  36. Girlfriend I totally understand this!! A lot of my single friends always hang out and I'm all "wait, I was just sitting at home tonight. Why didn't I get invited?!" ha! Hoping we can all find that balance!! Caleb and I also walk the line of "old married couple" and "out on the town-ers" ;)

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  37. I don't think you are being ridiculous at all, everyone wants an invitation even if they can't go, that way they feel invited. John and I are really lucky and the majority of our friends are married or have been together 5+ years. But, I know what you mean because I do have some single girl friends that go out and do super fun stuff and forget that it's something I want to do too ha ha!

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  38. I'm "the one with the kid" so I tend to not get invited to impromptu events. Reasonably, if my daughter can't come, last minute childcare isn't always easy. But it would be nice to be invited more.

    I'm sorry my dear.

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  39. I agree 100%....an invitation is always nice. The answer may be no but at least yiu were thought of and invited!

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  40. I'm with you on this..still getting used to being the married friend. I hate it because it feels like people think that your time/want to have fun/freedom disappears when you say I do. WRONG.

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  41. I always feel like im left out when I talk to my friend back home in NY. Yes, she is single and has kid free weekends, but Im all the way in GA with no friends and I hate it. Married and my hubby usually plays hockey every weekend, so my couch and I just get comfy and settle in for a long winters nap.

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  42. I am not married but I have an understanding of how you feel, since I have a serious boyfriend (whom I live with) my friends often don't invite me out to girls nights and it makes me sad! Just because I have a boyfriend doesn't mean I have to bring him everywhere and it certainly doesn't make it not hurt when I'm the only one left out (I can still be a a wing woman)!

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  43. Same way with being the only one with kids-and while legit there are going to be more occasions we have to say no simply due to no sitter, we almost always can find someone if we want to join (but the invite wasn't there to ever find out).

    It really sucks to be left out :( But we can go get brunch anytime and include everyone, the husbands and the dogs!

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  44. I've felt the same way since getting engaged last year. It's like as soon as we were engaged, our single or even dating friends just started assuming that we weren't into going out anymore. We have made more of a group of couples who enjoy going out together & I love that, but it doesn't mean that I don't still enjoy the occasional girls night out or random friends lunch. And like you said, even if I am busy, the invitation is still nice to have!

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  45. I feel you on this. I think both parties get left out sometimes. But I think I've had so many of those "why didn't you invite me" conversations that people have started taking the hint and not left me out :) Or... maybe I'm the weird one and they're trying to PHASE me out and I won't let them. Hmm...

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  46. My husband's friends are mostly all married. I have different groups of friends (friends that don't mingle with the others)... l have the friends I made in grad school (most are single, but have kids), the friends that I spend time with on the weekends (all single, except two), and other friends which is a mixture of single/dating/married.

    My friends know that they don't expect me to see every weekend, because they know I'm married. That's fine with us, because sometimes we like staying in and doing nothing. Usually, if I'm out with friends, we are just at each other's houses.

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  47. Ah! I feel that way too, and I´m not even married! lol, but weekends is the only time I get to spend with my boyfriend so my friends just assume I have plans with him...I mean I don´t always say no, right?

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  48. Yep totally feel you hear. My best friend actually dumped me after I got married because I got married. Whatever. I just moved on and found friends that wanted hang whether or not they were married or I was.

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  49. I have the same problem, only on the other end of the spectrum. All my friends are coupled up, and they love to go out together and have dinner parties and attend concerts.. in couples. They invite me out with them every so often, but I always feel like the odd girl out, because I'm the single one. Oh well. Life is full of changes, and this is just one of those things that you eventually accept as time passes. You can't control other people's actions, but you can control your own. Being an adult is hard. The only thing you can do is learn to roll with the punches.

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  50. Preach girl! Can totally relate! Maybe people don't ask us to hang out cause I'm always wearing black yoga pants and they think I never change. ;-)

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  51. I don't think you'e being ridiculous at all. Although I'm not married, Chris and I have been together for almost 5 years and I can totally relate. My friends have done this before and I know it's nothing against us. Everyone basically views us as a married couple even though we're not.

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  52. I feel ya on this! There are times when I want to sit on the couch and snuggle Floyd and then those are those days or nights where you see pictures of friends out and think 'hey we would have liked to do that'. It is a fine line for sure.

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  53. We aren't even married yet, but I'm in this boat. I'm the only one of my friends that is even engaged, so yeah, I totally understand this

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  54. Totally! We're getting married next month (!!!), but the whole time we dated it was tough to get invited places because we were a couple. Booo

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  55. I find that my single friends feel...well singled out. Since they are in the minority of the people I hang around with nowadays. Especially with a baby on the way I make sure they are always included in my plans!

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  56. Yup! That totally happens... if a group of single girlfriends get together for drinks or whatever and I find out about it later, I'm like, "Hello?! Do I not drink too!?" Their response is usually, "We figured you were busy with Adam." Blah. For the right margarita or happy hour special, I'd gladly blow him off for some girl time!

    -Kate
    www.theflorkens.com

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  57. This post is so so true... and even though we have a lot of married friends, I'm feeling like it's that time in our lives when everyone is starting to have kids and get into their lives with all of that and Nick and I are like, ummm, we're still here too!

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  58. I'm guilty of this. I won't invite the married ones to all of the things. Most things! I just feel like when I do invite, one has to check with the other and it's a joint call rather than an immediate yes. I will want to be invited still when I'm the married one.... although I'll probably be the last of my friends. #pityparty?

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  59. I find it so interesting how people always take on roles in friendship group - it's unavoidable! That's sucky for you, though... maybe you invite a few people to brunch or whatnot and then let it slowly turn into a thing?

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  60. Funny, its the opposite for me. Being the only single one without kids I'm left out of the married events and birthday parties :(

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  61. Ah! I feel your pain. When I first was married (long story on that one), none of my girlfriends were. Girl time dropped of the face of the planet and I was left home alone wondering what happened. When the marriage ended they had my back 100%. They said they felt like we couldn't do our regular stuff because I was married. I never saw the distinction, but in reality I was in a difference place in life and they weren't there yet. Now that I'm married again and most everyone I know is married too, the new distinction is kids. Parents hang with parents, child-less hang with child-less. The barriers need to come down!

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  62. Definitely feel this way! Just because we're married doesn't mean we can't have fun...we ARE fun! Ha!

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  63. I feel the same way but with kids. All of my friends are either married or in a serious relationship so I don't feel left out of that but right now 4 of my friends are pregnant and I'm like .... whatever water y'all are drinkin, keep it away from me! Luckily one of my other friends is like that too so we're going on a roadtrip this summer while everyone else changes diapers ;)

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  64. I feel this way about half the time. My husband was the next-to-last one in his friend group to get married (and the guys all married girls in the same friend group), so usually we'll always get an invite with them--I'll actually get invited for girls-only things a decent amount by them too. On the flip side, I'm one of the few of my friends that is married and since being married I've definitely noticed my invites have decreased. I guess it is just a phase, but I'd rather have the opportunity to decline something than for them to make assumptions that I'm occupied with all things "married life." Usually work keeps me away from things more than being married does!

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  65. I have the absolute worst FOMO (Fear of Missing Out). But I do agree, I hate not being invited places. I want the invitation and the opportunity to say No. Totally with you on that!

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  66. I definitely get wanting in on everything too... I am actually so surprised most of your friends are unmarried being in Dallas at all ;) I feel like all my friends in Houston are married (or engaged), which puts me in the opposite position of not wanting to be 3rd, 5th, 7th, etc. wheel whenever I go home and hang out with them. You guys are a super fun married couple though and it seems like your friends acknowledge that for the most part, so yay y'all!

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  67. I completely agree. We are the "married" ones and you see on fb or weekend plans updates and I wonder why we weren't invited. We can go out or he can go out without me. I hope it doesn't happen here.

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  68. I have definitely felt left out for being the only single one in my group. But my friends do make a good effort to try to make sure I'm included, and their husbands are pretty good at being fine with our much-needed girl time, so we all go out together as often as possible.

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  69. I shared this on my facebook in hopes that all of my friends see it. We have a few other married friends, but they would much rather stay at home. David and I are always wanting to go out!

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  70. I was the first of my friends to get married. It was then that I realized I was somehow in this imaginary group that meant I couldn't be invited to the single girl events. I would never leave my single friends out of something but somehow since it was the other way around they thought it was ok.

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  71. I agree....but really this happens even once all your friends get married. Believe me...it stinks, but I think sometimes people honestly don't mean it to make you feel left out.

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  72. We are in the exact same boat. Not only are the the only (almost) married ones, we are basically the only ones even paired up. I def want that invite, even if the answer is no. This is my biggest pet peeve about my single friends! I love them, but that shiz just isn't nice!
    xx

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  73. We get included but it's still weird being one of the only couples who ISN'T married at this point. I worry about being left behind a LOT.

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  74. Oh my goodness... same thing happens to us! Mark & I always got invited out before we actually got married (we have been together for over 7 years), but now that we are married I feel like it is like we have some sort of incurable, contagious disease. People don't invite us out as much anymore as we are one of the ONLY married couples among our friends but if I say something about not being invited I get "You're not as fun now that you are married." Not sure how to take that one because I really don't think we have changed much since getting married... in fact the only difference I see is that we both wear wedding rings and I have a new last name... but other than that I am pretty sure we are still the same. So annoying!

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  75. No matter what your situation, it sucks being left out. For awhile, Steve and I were the only married ones in one group of friends, and I geared getting left out!

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  76. I honestly debated on how to answer this.. but first and foremost, I understand what you are saying completely! Even though you are married, it doesn't mean that you are dead. You want to get the invite.. it's not a definate that you are going to say thanks but no thanks, but even if you do, it's the thought that counts! Things have majorally changed in m life since I've gotten older (my son passed away) and since I've gotten serious with Rob. "We" don't go out anymore-- my close friends know this and all the BS that goes with it but it's still nice to be invited. When and IF I am invited, I won't go into details about why I can't go.. I will just simply say that I can't/will join them another time and to have a drink with me-- it's just the sweet thought. I'm rambling!!

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  77. Even though I am not married yet but the ring has been discussed, purchased, and is now hiding somewhere I can't secretly wear it. But we are as good as a married couple. But I don't get invited places because I'm not single, cause the bar scene gets hold, and spending money on too many over priced drinks that could have went towards, savings accounts or 2 bottles of wine that I could have easily been fine drinking. And on the not inviting people out- if they said no too often , or when it was an only a girls night.... No boys invited they didn't come cause they didn't want to leave husband at home for a night.
    Anyways , you aren't over reacting it stings not getting invited

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  78. With my friends from high school and college, I'm the only married one AND the only one with kids. But with my military friends, we are ALL married with kids. It's a lot easier to have get togethers and stuff with military friends because we are all in the same boat but my college friends and high school friends can do whatever they want whenever they want and not have to think twice. I wouldn't change my situation for anything but it does make my social life a little more challenging...

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  79. I feel ya, married at 19. Feel like a serious loner sometimes.
    But, I'm learning to appreciate my lifestyle, slowly but surely.

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  80. Not left out with the "single or married" scenario, but we are the only couple amongst our friends that doesn't have kids or isn't currently expecting.

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  81. Life is one long line of being left out... JK that was so Debbie Downer! I think it is a natural feeling to feel left out and want to be included when we are not. I feel little left out of the engagement game right now, but that is only because my best friend is getting married in two months. I will probably get over it soon.

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  82. OH MY GOD THIS IS ALL SO TRUE! I swear, this is the story of my life. Pair being married with also having an insane job where I work 3 12 hr night time shifts a week and I NEVER know about the plans.

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  83. true - i didn't invite one of my best friends on a weekend away with me and two single friends cos she has a boyf and i thought she'd be busy… felt really bad when she was upset!
    http://thewanderlusthasgotme.blogspot.co.uk

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  84. This totally happens to us, but we don't mind. I know that I could join in when the girls at work were planning something, but most of the time, I didn't want to. I'm sure your friends don't want to leave them out, so just remind them to keep you in the loop. I do know that for us, Will and I are a packaged deal, so that excludes us from some things. I just don't give a flip, because I'd choose being with him over random plans with the girls any day. For us, we end up with single people because the married ones all have kids. It sucks to be in this limbo every now and then, but most of the time, I obviously don't want to be single, and ain't nobody got time for kids!

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  85. Wow!! This pretty much sums up how my husband & I feel on a weekly basis! We've almost all but given up on our so-called friends because they never include us anymore. Is it too much to ask to just have some friends to have fun & go dancing with once your married?!

    Runway Chef

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  86. I couldn't agree with this post more. However, it's a little different for me since I'm married + a momma but I see on IG, FB and twitter all the time my actual/real-life friends doing all kinds of stuff and I'm at home on the couch thinking "why wasn't I invited"? It sucks to feel excluded. Hell, I've even felt that way in the blogging world! It's just nice to feel included and wanted around even if it's just an invitation and you have to decline.

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